I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
