Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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