jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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