She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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