I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
