you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
