I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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