i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
