why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
