I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We just shotgunned beers for America
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
