I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
