so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
