I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
