Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Randomize
