I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
