Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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