I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
