Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
