I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
