You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
