yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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