ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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