Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
