Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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