I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
