I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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