So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
