She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
