don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
