I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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