I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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