Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
