it was like eating out sand paper
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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