I wish I could teleport
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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