I got chris browned last night
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
