saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
