have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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