The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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