Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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