Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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