So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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