Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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