Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
