Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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