I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
