my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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