I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
