When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
soo... how was my night?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
