ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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