I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
