If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
