you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
