i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
