I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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