Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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